What is bereavement and what is grief?

Bereavement is when someone important to us dies. Grief is the set of feelings we go through as we process the loss.

Grief can feel different for everyone and might include sadness, anger, confusion, or even feeling ‘numb’ or ‘in shock’. It’s the way we process and cope after someone close to us dies.

What does grief look like? How long is the grieving process?

The short answer is that grief will look different for different people, and there is no time limit for how long you will feel the way you do. Your feelings can also go up and down as you move through life, and this is perfectly normal. Experiencing a bereavement can bring up complex emotions and even impact our physical health.

Sometimes we have complicated relationships with the person that we lost, which can make our feelings of grief confusing or challenging to process. Mind have a useful page that talks about different kinds of bereavement.

Grieving for someone who is still alive

We can experience grief in different circumstances, including in the decline of the physical or mental health of someone we care about. Sometimes, through illness, addiction, or injury, the people we love become someone we don’t recognise. They behave in ways that they wouldn’t have previously and may treat us very differently. For example, a grandparent with dementia who loved and cared for us may no longer recognise us and may say hurtful things in confusion. When a person changes like this, we don’t stop loving them, but we miss who they were and mourn the loss of who they used to be or the relationship that we shared.

The Alzheimer’s Society has information about grieving a person who has dementia, and Our Time has information for young people about having a parent who struggles with their mental health.

Grieving after suicide

Being bereaved by a suicide can complicate our grief. Losing someone to suicide can leave us struggling to come to terms not only with the loss but with someone’s decision to take their own life. We may feel guilt, shame, and anger alongside deep sadness and love.

Mind have a page with information about losing someone to suicide, and Cruse has information about grief after suicide.

Locally, Kingston has a strategy for suicide prevention, which includes links to support if you are having a mental health crisis. Help is at Hand is a resource for people bereaved through suicide or another unexplained death, and for those helping them. It has been produced by the Support After Suicide Partnership.

Telling your school or college

Most likely your parents or guardians will speak to your school or college on your behalf. It is important for your school or college to know you have been bereaved or are experiencing grief so that they can offer practical support, be aware of what is happening in your life and how it might affect your behaviour, and make changes.

Hope Again have a page with tips on how to handle exams while grieving, as well as other useful resources.

Speaking to your GP

If you feel you need support, it is important to reach out to your GP. This can be tricky if you have not built a relationship with your GP, but it’s important to know you can speak to your GP about how you are feeling if you want to.

Supporting someone who is grieving

One of the key messages from people who have experienced loss is that they do not want those around them to avoid, or ignore their grief. Facing someone else’s grief may feel uncomfortable; death and loss can be difficult to talk about, but you don’t always need to have the right thing to say. Acknowledge the loss, be patient and stay in contact while letting the person grieving feel their pain.

Mind have more information about helping someone who is grieving, and Cruse have information about supporting a bereaved person.

Finding support

If you’re looking for support to help you process a bereavement, no matter when it happened, there is support available.

Connected Kingston is a site dedicated to connecting local people with services and activities that keep them happy and healthy. On their bereavement and support after a death pages, you will be signposted to services, peer support cafes and more.

Winston’s Wish provide Talk Grief which is an online support service. At A Loss offer practical advice as well as signposting to services, and Kingston Bereavement Support offer support via the Saying Goodbye Project.

What happens at a burial and a cremation

Knowing what happens at a cremation and burial can you help you prepare yourself. Child Bereavement has pages explaining what happens at a burial and what happens at a cremation.  Both pages have short, animated videos to help you understand.

Practical and legal things to do

When someone dies, there are practical and legal things to do. Kingston Council offers information on what happens when a loved one dies, the differences between what you do when the death is expected or unexpected, how to register a death, support paying for a funeral and other practical information here.

If you want to speak to someone to help you understand, Kingston Bereavement Office is available to answer questions, and you, your family and friends can get support or advice on the practicalities of funeral arrangements, cremation and burial processes and arrange a guided tour (to help bust myths) on either 0208 547 5717 or bereavement@kingston.gov.uk